Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
