The maid of honor just puked.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
