farters have to be the big spoon...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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