Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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