so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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