if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
