I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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