We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
