I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
