I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
