My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
