I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
