a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
