If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
