it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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