My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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