TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
