Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
