my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
