Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
