Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
