Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
