I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
