sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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