White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
