i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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