He asked me if I "almost moaned"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize