last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
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