Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
