Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
