I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
