I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
