I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
