does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
