Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
