3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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