new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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