with your own penis?
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
