I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
