My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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