I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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