every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
