I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
