My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
