i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
