this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
