I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
