I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
