The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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