just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
