he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
